Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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