hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
