I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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