did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
