I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize