dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
