I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
