they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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