Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
