OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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