The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize