your thong is hanging out like whoa
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
