just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
