I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
