The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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