All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
