I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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