Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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