her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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