Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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