Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I supernannyed him into submission
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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