i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
