imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
