You made me cry and you don't even care
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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