dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
They are going to name an STD after you.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
