good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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