I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
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