dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
