um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
