my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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