mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
