so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
