Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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