i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize