ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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