Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
