Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
