Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
