I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
