Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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