it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
