I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
