Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
