There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
