I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
