My girlfriend figured out who you are.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
