I think I died a long time ago.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
