I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
