Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
3 2 1 whiskey
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
