tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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