Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Houston, we have a blender
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
