Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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