They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize