I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
