Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
