I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
