I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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