We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
