I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
