I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Randomize
