One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
my being single is dangerous.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Randomize