I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
